What steps need/should to be taken to take over the family farm?

Question

Got into an arguement with my dad last night. Wont go into details because it would take to long to explain. My brother and I farm 800 acre and my father farms 2350. Every time these arguments happen he threatens to sell out.I love what I do but I'm starting to wonder if I made a poor career choice.

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I would tell you to sit down and hear everyone's view point and plan for the farm future... 
What's your mom want?
Does dad really want to sell?
Do you want to continue the family farm?
Etc...

You need this information so you can plan for the future.  Like you said... is this the right career choice...

Workin with family is always tough

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I'm looking for a partner so if you want to make a clean break come on over.  I have no children to turn it over too.

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In my situation my father and brother forced me to quit farming with them, forced my brother in law to quit farming with my brother and finally my brother told my father to retire or do the work himself.  I found out this week that my father was so verbally abusive the coop kicked him out of the fertilizer plant told him never to return and told him they won’t spray his sweet corn patch.  Now my father is surprised he can’t sell seed to his old customers. He doesn’t understand people don’t want to buy from an 80 year old with a half a heart.  Is your family looking out for your best interest, the farms future, or continue filling their check  book off everyone else.

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**************, ************, or ***************** are all good resources

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I love **********’s advice on this subject. I just wish all farmers could or would read his book, “Dirt to Soil”. I think it would put things in the right perspective and these difficult situations that so many are living through would not have to happen. 
Communication, or the lack thereof seems to be the biggest road block. Maybe going to the father and explaining the concerns and asking for their advice on how to deal with it would be a place to start. If they are not willing to have that conversation, then maybe you should look at other alternatives.

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If you don't think it's worth 2x the money let it go to auction and buy it there.  Just lost 500 acres for the same reason. Family fight.  It went for twice what we thought it would.  Land is not getting cheaper with interest this low.  Buy it now, it may be the cheapest land you ever buy.  I would if I was younger and could get these kinda rates for 30 years.

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Run everything under LLC rental corporation so you only pay for acres equipment run on your ground hopefully you can collect wages from time you and your brother spend planting dads property

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Myself, pawpaw, and dad all farm together. I know the feeling and the pains of arguments with family over what you all love to do. I would tell you this, we argue and get mad at each other but bottom line is you are family and you all love to farm and want what’s best for the farm and the family. I’m willing to bet that your dad is not going to sell out unless it’s his only option. Take it with a grain of salt and work together.

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If you feel like you’re doing more work for the farm then you’re being compensated for then you need to leverage your current position. For example if your dad isn’t willing to hang it up but still wants the lions share of the profits you need to go out and lease yourself some side property outside the family farm and use family assets (equipment) to farm it. That dad generation doesn’t want to give up their land so easily so if you find yourself being over worked and underpaid get your “payment” in other ways. This will allow you to get something of your own started without large capital expenditures. It will look and feel good to do something for yourself and will show your family you’re capable of operating on your own.

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You all have great ideas as I went through the same thing in the late 1960's. There was not enough ground for all of us to farm.  I like the farm friends I grew up with we moved on and Dad Farmed! 20yrs in the US Army; 20+yrs in the Aerospace Industry  but every time  a local ground came up for sale and it fit I was there and bought it.  In the fall of 2000, at his age of 90, I went home and sold all of Dads cows and sheep, and told him I thought he was done. Her had had people farming for him for several years and they also farmed my ground.  I continued to stop at the farm ever weekend or two as I flew around for my work. Finally in late 2001 he told me "You saved my life as I would have died that winter feeding the stock."   You have to have a long plan term plan. They have to see you have a long term plan and that plan sets with the ground rules they know and understand!  Because at 90 years old: "He is still the patient and Your are still the Child."   Dad ran everything on  "hand shake" and I do everything through an LLC.   I have had this discussion with several other Father Son and Brother - Brother - Brother relationships where things have gone on even after Dad died and they have not addressed the clearing up of land ownership because of feelings.  Get an equable plan and work it...

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As one of many many nieces and nephews of an Aunt and Uncle without children, I was deeded the 500ac farm that has been in the family for 200 years.  As it turns out, they gave all money and everything else to all the other nieces and nephews. They did not put a cent into the farm for 30 years.  To make the place viable, I figure it will take $3-400k in repairs, equipment, buildings and labor.  I now have the decision of working my lifetime (I am 50yrs) and spending my life savings to make the farm something my kids might to continue, or sell the place and figure out a completely different route.  I spent my childhood on the farm and love the place.  I cannot bear thought of selling it but fiscal reality is causing real problems. Additionally, rather than working outside on the property, I am the sole care provider of my Uncle (92yrs) as he suffers a slow old age death.  Aunt and Uncle failed to have a succession plan, or any plan, of any type.  I am currently paying the price of medicare’s five year lookback period.

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My parents set up a trust for us four kids. 1000 acres split up. I would get 400 and the other 3 would have 200 each.

I am working with some financial guys on life insurance policies on my parents to be able to purchase the land after my parents pass.

Sounds like I am supposed to have first right to purchase at 65% value. That would bring us to about 1.7 million.

The payment on the life insurance policy would be about $27-28k per year. I am 29 now and not hugely confident I can make that payment each year. I am farming 700 ac now with full time work and another business.

My dad is 66 now and not sure when he will allow me to rent his 1000 ac

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How many years for the life insurance term? How much to keep on extending it? Is a yearly extension or multi year? 1.7M after your yearly premium?

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It is a whole life insurance policy. So the longer my parents live the longer I pay. I can't remember but I believe when my mom is 93( I think 57 now) I would have paid 60% of the 1.7 million.. I have the sheet that shows the numbers of you are interested to see it.

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Here's the right ones. Too many numbers

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The operating conditions now are MUCH different than 20 years ago…I started 45 years ago, and it’s fair to state that young people need more help to get a foothold now, than any time I have seen.

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My two cents worth is this.   I have bought and sold properties like this in several situations, usually what I find is the "heirs" are greedy and non-appreciative of the hard work the elderly have achieved and are only looking toward what they will get from it for themselves.  All he would like, I believe, is you show more appreciation for what hard work he has performed and you are getting without it!  Remember where all this has came from.  What have you paid for?  How many meals have you went without to make the payments owed?  Maybe you have, I don't know.  But the one thing I do know is you and your brother should honor him more and sacrifice more for him.  Work harder for him for nothing to gain more of his respect.  Heirs are so unappreciative since they have not paid for the land.  You really think you and your brother could buy all that is needed to farm all you have today from scratch like He did?

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I understand all to well

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Unfortunately, very common. I had the pleasure to sit in a seminar for a day with https://wittmanconsulting.com/. I would highly recommend finding an outside consultant, otherwise sadly, it will probably turn out like most family farms; not able to continue past 1 generation. Good luck.

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Sometimes it’s hard to realize that “Dad” probably didn’t have everything “handed” to him. We are in a similar position. Son/wife’s stepson is back as an employee. Dad and new wife if 20 years have built back after near collapse. Nothing is owed to the next generation except a opportunity. When we do retire there will be some decisions WE need to make. If the next generation wAnts to farm and steps up to lease or buy what we have built we would be very glad to make that happen. If not we will move on and list what we want to sell and lease the rest. The land is in a trust so many generations will benefit from our hard work.

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It’s about generation growth. Not what I did!

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I have been thru every kind of hell there is on this subject so I can pass along what I have learned. First, don't forget your fighting to gain control over your father's life work. Give that the respect it deserves to the best of your ability and it will ease tentions. That said, the older generation needs to understand that their legecy is in their kids, not their dirt and equipment. That farm means nothing without someone young enough to farm it. Secondly, most estate planners are a joke when it comes to family farms. They are setup for rich lawyers or doctors with trust fund kids. You will have to do some work but true family farm estate planners are out there and mostly in small farm towns. Those few people are very worth your time and the sooner the better. Lastly, don't be affraid of going out on your own. Like many others my biggest regret was not going out on my own 20 years earlier. Even if it's just leasing a field or two from a neighbor and getting or borrowing the equipment you need to get started it's worth it. If you fail you can most likely go back to the family farm if you had to but I promise you never will unless it's to help out your dad because he physically can't do it anymore.

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I would encourage you to stop in to your local county Extension Office (being a county agent myself, and farming with my dad working through the same issues) and ask for their help in finding resources, neutral third parties, and ways to communicate through the "generation gap".  There's an office in most every county, in every state.  They are linked directly to the Land Grant University in your state, and will do their best to help with any question you ask.  I know ******* has a nice workbook that helps identify short and long term goals for the operation, and family goals as well.  It's a good conversation starter, and helps put things down on paper so you can work through them.  Extension staff is usually willing to act as a moderator for discussions if one is needed, or can recommend one for you.

Good luck!

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Current situation: Not purchasing a farm because father and father in-law have 10+ years left, and grandparents farm that would be ideal is tied up in a sibling standoff with to many emotions to count and "should" be sold this summer/fall. Side note: Can't get a moderator, because the sibling standoff over mom/dad land money they didn't earn, keeps them up at night. Somewhere in the middle you are told that you cant afford it because you are only 30; well this couple is pulling in well above the county average and it could be more if you let us buy the farm. However, they also believe its worth 2x or 2.5x premium price. All because they have preconceived ideas about how we are going to fund it and what we are going to do with it... umm, how about, farm it? They also think it should stay in the family name. Not sure anyone told them, but that they only have two opportunities for that and both individuals don't have any interest in farming; oh, but you do want it farmed. They need money and my wife and I have it, but its no good there. So many estate planning mistakes were made that I can't begin to explain. Love "my/her" family to death, my wife and I have been speaking of the grandparents farm since we were married, but soon somethings gotta give. Also, the cake topper is that supposedly no other family member is interested. Honestly wasn't going to post anything until I seen the truest quote. “You’ve never been screwed over, till you’ve been screwed over by family “  Rant over, along with the Jameson bottle.

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Both sides need to leave anger out of conversation and try to look at things from both sides and talk it through, without communication everyone fails.

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Reading all this makes me feel a lot better... I worked on the farm since I could walk never to be paid a penny just told that one day it’d be mine... at 20 I needed some type of income so I did a small amount of off farm work and then got into custom work after buying a combine. Fast forward to 2010 and I owned 2/3 of the equipment my dad used to farm his 1200 acres and still didn’t get paid but my sister came into the operation and was paid and given a house along with my older brother (who doesn’t help on the farm) my older brother got a house and buildings since 2007 and has never paid rent... finally in 2018 I said enough and started working off the farm they hired 2 people to replace me and both make close to 50k a year.. I just don’t get why parents do this to their kids...

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You need a third party that not only specializes in transition planning but can also help with the psychological side of it.  I farm with my Dad and Brother and we had lots of issues for the first few years until Mom brought a third party in.  It helped a lot to get everyone to communicate their goals and concerns.  Can't say every day is easy but its been a lot better since.  The first year Dad helped us each find a piece of ground to rent and we worked for him to pay for equipment use.  We payed our own input bills, there was a preset custom farming rate and a agreed upon wage per hour.  Dad always pushed us to buy land if we could, seemed crazy 2 years in when I bought my first quarter now 16 years later I wish I had bought more at that price.  Now my brother and I own most of the equipment, we have each bought some land on our own and dad sold us a few on CFD, have our own rental land, and rent most of Dads. I appreciate that my Dad always pushed us to build our own equity while helping us get started with equipment rental and a job working for him.  Now he is in a position were he can farm a little, help when he wants and still has a rental income.  If something happened we both have equity to show for our work.  We still have our bad days but overall we have come a long way.  There are lots of ways to accomplish it but you need to be building equity or your a hired man.

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Better form equip LLC in place first so LLC owns all farm equipment.  Trading labor for use of farm equipment will only go so far if a major breakdown occurs on something out side of the operation

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When I joined the farm I went out rented my own acres started using dad’s equipment in trade for labor.  We both wanted the best fir each other.  20 years after that he retired I took on his ground bought out his equipment.  I owned probably half of what we owned fir equipment by this time.  I’m doin same with my son.  Not sure why everyone thinks there parents should give them the farm.  Most people struggled to get to where they are today. Let them enjoy the good times.  Also sometimes there other kids to consider.   So quit asking fir a easy road and go out and get your own farm started then take over his when he ready to retire.  I’m guessing this won’t set good with all.  Also dads make your kids successful make them do the books with you.  Don’t make them learn all this after your dead and there no one to ask fir advise.

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Keep in mind you taking over the family farm is a form of selling out for him. There are so many things that come into actually making such a transition happen. all to often it has nothing to do what either party wants ,but more to do what's possible

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When I started farming i purchased everything from my father at full market value. Brother and sister weren't interested in farming. We have struggled with 3 sons and one daughter. but we have a very good close-knit family. My oldest son farms together with my wife and I and the other children have very good off farm jobs. As i have a terminal condition, we've had multiple family discussions (we're very open with the children) and decided to give all the farmland to our oldest son and most of the equipment. There are other assets for the other children, but they don't equal the value of the farmland. Everyone is O.K. with the arrangement. My oldest son will see to it if we need help in our declining years. Not perfect but a happy peaceful family starts at an early age and is something one must constantly work at. The benefits pay off in the end.

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If he's your biological dad, do yourself a favor and give him some respect, even if he doesn't deserve it. Someday you'll see you're a copy of him, strengths and weaknesses. Unless he has really serious problems, he certainly wants you to succeed. Ask him for advice and let him know you believe he has something to offer (besides a very nice farm). If you can't see that, you have more than farm work ahead of you.

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Talk with a succession planner.  There are many, they can be expensive, but they can help walk your family through this trying time.  It will help with understanding what your dad(and mom) wants and also allow you and your spouse as well as your brother(spouse) to express the things you want in the farm.

It can be part therapy and part trust/succession/estate planning but it can definitely help.  Ours stated seeing cases like yours many times over and how hard it can be to work through.  A consultation should be free if not cheap, I would start there and see what they suggest.  We used Water Street Solutions but there may be others near you.  With a farm succession there are many other factors that just the ground, equipment, there are tax implications etc.  They can help find your blind spots so there are no surprises when the transition happens.

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Thank u *****!!!!

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I was in the same position as you.  I finally were tired of doing all the work while he collected big checks late into his 70’s.  I split with the equipment I could and farmed on my own.  I only regret I didn’t do it earlier.  Before that time my father seemed to collect the biggest checks and pit one son against the other to get what he wanted.

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I am in the same situation, the only answer I have come up with is patience and don’t put my kids in the same spot. That generation is stubborn and won’t give it up until they absolutely have to. They’ve never had to share and they’re not going to start now. It’s their identity. They’ve been farming their whole life and not doing it scares them.

My dad in his early 60s told me he just finally got everything paid for and going the way he wants. He is not going to quit now that he feels he has conquered the mountain and is having the most fun farming he’s ever had.

I’m working on getting on my own, but realize it is probably going to take me 20ish years to get there. It is a long game you just have to be patient at. Your time will come.

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I’m the only son 3 sisters they have been away since high school. After 30 years of hearing this will all be yours some day  I finally got my dad to agree to sell me the acreage where my house is.  I decided that wouldn’t be enough to survive and 5 years later I was able to talk them into selling me the home place. The price and interest tripled but I have a small part of the farm I grew up on. 15 years later I still can’t buy the rest because mom says my sisters need dirt not money....    family business is like a grocery store. One runs it like his own gets paid very little for decades.   Then mom and dad pass.  One kid sells the parking lot and cash register, one sells the milk department meat coolers.  One sells the bakery and store room.   Now it’s a nice building with no way to continue unless you buy it all over again. At 55 I’m not going into debt till I’m 80

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Exact same situation here. To the point I had to seek professional counselling services. Finally, I had to get my mind to a place where I could run my own small operation without his control. Telling him to sell if thats what he wanted to do and being ok if that ended my farming. I could go work somewhere to support my family if it came to that. Thankfully, when I didn't have to depend on him, things improved drastically. Hope you see great success and God gets all the glory.

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Some of these situations sounds like a walk in the park compared to mine but I am definitely bias. Regardless, it's a true struggle for each and everyone in this type of situation. I'm 25, my dad is 55 and his mom (Grandma) is 87. She's been in charge since Grandpa passed back in '11 and in my opinion that is when our operation should have made the transition to my father. My father has given his life to this family farm since he was 18 and hasn't earned a penny from it. (He rents around 50A so he gets enough to pay his bills) and has always had to work FT in town and in some instance up to 2 FT jobs AND help his dad (my Grandpa) farm. Dad's two oldest siblings moved off the farm the second they graduated HS and haven't lent a hand all of these years. Now, Grandma is laid up and having some memory issues and both siblings are back in the picture and keep talking about how, "we have to work together now" and Dad and myself can't make a farm decision (i.e. sell grain) without getting 2-3 forms (sibling's(s) + Grandma) approval. We are both being kept in the dark on what is happening to the farm after Grandma is gone and both (for sure 1 sibling) is well aware of the plan but for whatever reason Dad and myself are not good enough to know. It's been a topic no one has wanted to have and so I finally put my foot down and started asking these tough questions but have made little to no ground in my efforts. Now, what I tried to avoid has come to fruition and Grandma is day-to-day and we are in the dark. At one point I was asked if I would be interested in buying the acreage/farm-site which suggests its getting split up between the siblings which in my opinion is BS and with being free labor for the past 10 years, how does one expect me to buy the farm. Clearly some are just money hungry which is what they should get while Dad should get the farm since that's the path he chose to give his life too. I have big dreams for the farm. It's been in our family since the 1880's and I want it to survive another 100 years. But in it's current state, I think it might die because of greed and poor execution of transition. And, I know I shouldn't but I am holding all of that on my shoulders. My wife fully supports me but is getting fed up with how my father and I are being treated as the black sheep. I do apologize as this turned more into a rant than any advice for the original poster but another fear is I've been told "someday" I will get to farm, well my dad has been waiting for "someday" since he was my age and I cannot follow that same path but I fear once everyone has died and I am in my 50-60s, I will be expected to pick my family up and return to save the family farm because then, then I will be good enough.

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I would encourage all of you who struggle with family treating you unfair to read the story of ***** and his father-in-law ***** in Genesis 29.  My mom’s dad treated my dad very unfairly on the farm and greatly favored his own sons who never put in the work.  In the 80s my grandpa lost the family farm to bankruptcy and in late  90s through an act of God my parents were able to buy it back from the investors that bought it for half the price it had originally sold for.  I believe God saw how unfairly my dad was treated and how he worked hard and never complained and blessed him for it.  Be faithful to God and His word and you won’t have to worry about all the details. Also be rich in your giving and you’ll always have a cup running over.  Place your fathers in constant prayer and let God fight your battles.  My sons are now the 5th generation on the farm (that’s back in the family that came into the family originally in 1907 and continue’s to grow).  My parents spent many years scratching to get by when I was a child and now my parents and all my siblings see tremendous blessing from God.  Trust God and wait and you will see Him work.
 
****** 6
28“So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29and yet I say to you that even ******* in all his glory was not [l]arrayed like one of these. 30Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

31“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

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At least I am not the only one. I tell him to do it then and I will see him at the auction. I have no good advice for you because we have not moved anywhere forward. From speaking with others it seems beneficial to go on your own and let them stew in the mess they made. Either they come around or you have a jump start on your own future. God forbid they get divorced and add a step mother n step kids. Adds a whole new level of how much jail time is too much jail time.

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My oldest brother spent 40 years working on the farm and when my dad turned 80 he expected to take everything over. My dad was not yet ready to give up managing the farm and my brother ended up leaving and farming on his own. Now my dad is 87 and cannot get out of his house anymore, yet he is still very involved with the farm via phone. He has helped me greatly to learn to run it but if he was out there daily telling me what to do I would have to pass on that arrangement. Patience is the best advice, but when my dad has tried to control me by telling me that he owns part of the farm I have told him he can have it. He then settles down because at 87 he cannot run this operation from his home. Telling you he is going to sell everything is his way of trying to control you. In order to break that threat, you have to say "go ahead and sell it." I doubt he wants to see someone besides his own flesh and blood farming his ground.

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When you talk your son into buying 1/3 of two $60,000 bins and 1/3 of a $35,000 drier then force your son into signing a note for a third bin like the other two under a verbal promise of 1/3 payments between father and two sons. Then renig on the promise of paying other 2/3 between father and second son.  At the same time taking the other 2 bins that I payed for and blocking me from using the drier I payed 1/3 for. You would understand. Did I forget to add the greedy money hungry father is well into his 70’s and promised to retire many times?  Saying I have lost respect for the father is saying it kindly.  I’m not asking to be a cake eater and take over a multimillion dollar operation.  I’m expecting not to be conned by family so they produce more profit for them self. No he is looking out for his profit, not if I can succeed. Listen young farmers.  Get all business arraignments with family in writing.  Don’t rely on a handshake, even if it is your father.  It is his property and his land.

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Hopefully you can find someone to look at your case and convince your dad to listen. Good luck.

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You should know you are in good company.  Farmers who have been farming for 20 years or more have a perspective that is drastically different from farmers of the past and the future.  Opinions are formed from life experiences, and nobody living today will see land prices go up like they have since the early 90s.  Good luck.  Grain farming is probably the whitest blue collar job there is.  That being said, decide if the security and lifestyle of the farm is worth the annoying perspective from someone that became and millionaire because they managed to survive and stay in place while everything they touched turned to gold until 2015.

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This doesn’t help people on the outside of these decisions, but two things have been important to us.  Tomorrow may be too late to set a transition in place.  Three years ago, at F2F, the speaker advised people to wait and see what changes might come about in tax laws...The absolute worst advice ever! 
 And second, the, best time to disperse your estate is while you are still alive...That being said, it can be difficult to go forward, we did at 50, knowing that changes will most likely be needed, but IT IS A BUSINESS DECISION!  Treat it as such, talk, act and go on...Equal is not necessarily fair...

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Very similar situation for myself and my brother. I finally told him to do it. Sell out. I'll buy what I need and you take your money and run. After that discussion he realized that he wanted the farm to continue more than he wanted a pay check. We have come a long way since that day, and its still very hard and we have bad days. But we are at least working towards the same goal.

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Find someone who specializes in guiding families through succession planning if you can get your father to go along with it.  Then if you can come to a workable agreement make sure everything is written down with legal assistance.  You need buyout instructions and solutions to any "what-if" scenarios you can think of.  If you and your brother form a partnership or LLC you need the same things for that.  Don't assume everyone will always get along because goals and family situations can change.  Failed marriages can destroy an operation as well.  And.... If you ever hear "son, someday this will all be yours", you cannot bank on it no matter how good the intentions are when it's said, for the same reasons listed above.  I speak from experience.

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Farmed with my father in the 90's and I can certainly relate to your story.  I made the decision to leave the farm as I feared being the 40 year old "hired man" with a strained marriage, still "dealing with dad"..  I have since made a career in the seed industry.  Every situation is dfferent, and you and your brother farm more than I did at the time.  The grass is always greener...  I was late 20's when I left the farm.  The tact to take with your father depends on his personality type.  If he is a hard, charging, driver type that hates to relinquish control telling him to "sell out" will most likely not work and just further drive a wedge.  I've seen operations like the one you describe have success by focusing on technology or another aspect of the operation where the patriarch is lacking the skill set.  Become an expert in an area where you can make additional revenue to grow your own operation (seed sales, chemicals, VRT,  custom application, soil fertility, tissue testing, etc.)   Take the ground you manage, push it to the next level and demonstrate the ROI.  The differential in yields amongst farmers is so wide in my area.  My father was a numbers guy, didn't buy into the VRT for the longest time until he realized not doing so was hurting his operation/APH.  Long story short, take your operation to the next level, where your father can't by himself.  When he sees your success, he'll start asking questions.  When my dad started asking me questions, our relationship changed.  Again, every relationship is different.  Just my $.02.

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Unfortunately as rewarding or gratifying farming can be, it is an industry that is rife with people who struggle with communication, mental illness, stress, greed, etc.  A lot of the time when fathers and sons fight and say things that cut to the bone it's because each party is hurt and they're lashing out.

Other times it's because the parent is scared as hell because they don't want to see what they've worked for their whole life not get passed onto their sons/daughters or split up but they don't have a clue how to let go either financially or psychologically and they're too proud to ask for help.

I'm fortunate to not have that problem with my parents but my in laws who don't farm treat my wife and I horribly and they say and do things to manipulate and provoke us so they can be in control and get their way.

After doing some research and getting some help it appears that my father in law showcases a lot of the behaviors of someone with narcissistic personality disorder. However, people who have this disorder rarely get diagnosed because they operate as if they are flawless and everything that goes wrong is everyone else's fault despite they being the ones playing the major role in the discord. They create their own misery and suffering for themselves and most everyone around them but they aren't able or don't want to do any self reflection to address their role in situations first and foremost and take responsibility for their words and actions.

I don't know what the best course of action is through all of this, but I can tell you that my wife and I have made two vows to uphold. 1. If they ever wake up and decide to genuinely seek to reconcile we will embrace them with open arms. 2. We will do our best to never, in our right minds, treat our children or anyone else the way they've treated us.

In the end you have to do what's best for your own health and the well being of your own family. That can be a very hard decision to make.  But before you do that, say to your dad/parents that you want to bring in the help of a proven estate/farm succession professional to help us figure this out so everyone gets as close to what they want/need as possible.  If that doesn't afford you a way to sort things out then you did your best and it may be time to move on to something off the farm or farm somewhere else.

Just remember there's always help and support out there, even if it seems as simple as posting here on FBN Community.  The hardest things in life to go through are always worse when it feels like you're alone. Don't be too afraid or too proud to ask for help because we all need it whether we realize or not.

Answer

I am currently 54 years old and until 5 years ago farmed in a partnership with my father. Now my son farms with me. The father and son relationship of disagreements is not a new problem. My father and I had several serious arguments. In my opinion if your father didn't want you to farm with him he would have sold the farm already. Change is hard for older farmers, but they want nothing more then for you to need and want the wisdom they have for you. Take a step back and listen to your father. He won't always be there and he is not always wrong.

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Look for a consultant and research.   There’s lots of guides out there.  It’s partially about estate planning and protecting everyone.   My parents wanted to see the farm pass to the next generation fairly, and we definitely had our differences in farming style.  Dad adopted new methods where there was a clear advantage in land or monetary valve.

We farmed under a corporation and did an estate freeze.  Locking in the exact value of the land and equipment in the company and rolling their shares into preferred shares.   We set a schedule for us to purchase these shares over a set time.   We paid Dad wages for his work.    The estate freeze let’s the next generation benefit in the increase in value of the land while they work it and pay for it.  The same thing could be done with a direct sale and a promissory note.  Which we did for a portion of the land out side the corporation.   We signed a contract stating dad had the first right of refusal to buy back the land if we sold it, and a schedule if the value changed.

Done right Dad gets to extend his farming career indefinitely.   Transition the decision making to parcel by parcel with a written plan with time line.   The next generation pays for their farm at a planned schedule.

This saves a lot of headaches at estate time.   Look at short term life insurance for Dad,  where siblings are looking for their share of his estate.

Good luck it’s tricky, my dad passed away 7 years after we started and while there is less arguments, I sure miss the help.   Mom took over his assets and we maintained life insurance on her until we had paid a portion of the paid farm off protecting our farm portion of her estate.

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